[.ca] After the Affair (ISBN 069451652X)

Psychologically horrifying:
What Dr. Spring describes as "normal" is traumatic stress. And as a matter of hard, cold fact, a substantial proportion of victims of infidelity continue to suffer PTSD symptoms--emotional numbness, autonomic hyperarousal, nightmares and other sleep disturbances, consequent disruption of social functioning, and more -- for years. This is "normal" only in the sense that it is normal to suffer damage from trauma. Telling you that your post-traumatic symptoms are "normal" strikes me as the crassest sort of pandering. I am, BTW, a well-regarded scholar--not pop icon--on the history and ethics of mental health care, an experienced psychotherapist, and an expert on health care policy who consults with and writes for some of the most important figures in the field. I know whereof I speak.

Affairs not bad?Seriously lacks compassion/understanding:
Perfect for making the betrayer feel better -- see 5 star reviews are often from betrayers not the betrayed. This is rough reading from the start. In the intro chapter, the author makes the statement that she doesn't classify affairs as bad or good. She then proceeds to formally state that both partners are responsible for the affair occuring. Not responsible for issues in the relationship, but directly responsible for the affair. For many this is pure baloney!!! She has very little compassion for the betrayed and it is clear even in the intro. If you are the betrayer, you will love this book. If you are the betrayed, this book may actually be traumatic to read. You will feel no empathy from Spring. She talks about people who are essentially describing how they feel they have been disemboweled and their guts are everywhere as 'normal' and again w/o empathy. She practically says, see those intestines, that is normal, now step over the mess and lets proceed with how they helped cause the betrayal. I continued reading until I really couldn't take it anymore. I think it is written so callously it is scary. It is perfect for the betrayer who doesn't want to feel too bad. So if you are the spouse who did not cheat, tread cautiously, you may actually find yourself feeling really betrayed by Spring as well.

My review of After . . .:
AFTER THE AFFAIR is a must read if you are struggling in the aftermath of an affair. It provides such a great insight on why things happen and really challenges to explore your heart and feelings. Another great thing about it is that it does not place outright blame on one party or another, looks at both spouses perspectives of the situation and gives the necessary tools to start rebuilding. Things that other people, family, therapists, etc. may have told you a hundred times but never really made sense become clear with reading this book. It has helped me very much so far and my friends are now reading it as well. Other books I recently read and enjoyed were: THE LOVELY BONES, LUCKY, and THE CHILDREN'S CORNER by Jackson McCrae.

How to Heal and Restore Your Relationship After Infidelity:
This is one FANTASTIC book to help each partner in the relationship take full responsibility for their part in the relationship breakdown that led to infidelity, and shows exactly what you can do to restore trust, intimacy, and a renewed sense of wholeness as well as a renewed commitment to continue with the one you love. This wonderful book clearly shows how EACH partner reacts, and how those reactions feel, and it is a vital resource for both partners to read in order to heal, and move forward together in a healthy, positive manner. It is also important to remember that trust is built again over time, and through many small experiences. You will learn how to stop negative reactions, and how to communicate with authenticity from the heart, rather than blame. This book is a MUST READ for anyone who is with someone that has been through the guilt, pain, and trauma of an affair, and how re-build again. Highly Recommended! Barbara Rose, author of, 'Individual Power' and 'If God Was Like Man'

Help Yourself - Read this Book!:
This should be the first book you read after you find out about the affair. You will find out that what you feel is normal, you're not going crazy, you're not the only one, and there's hope for you. The author does this in a straightforward, balanced way, with no mention of religion or spirituality (important for more secular readers). This book is divided into 3 parts. 1 - Reacting to the Affair(Is What I'm Feeling Normal?), 2- Reviewing Your Options (Should I Stay or Leave?), and 3-Recovering from the Affair(How do We Rebuild our Life Together?) The books shows the point of view of BOTH spouses. This is a great way to gain insight into your partner's feelings and actions. It's especially valuable if BOTH of you have had an affair. If you decide to try to rebuild, "Not 'Just Friends'" is a great book about creating solidarity in a marriage, and "Fighting for your Marriage" has specific, concrete steps to take with plenty of examples. Great book on communication.